You Were Never There (1997)

I had a dream last night that a package came

Full of those styrofoam peanuts

I dug and dug and finally found

A shiny brand new you

An invoice on your shoulder

And then I saw you in the mall the other day

You looked so bright I wondered were you plastic?

And then the whole scene coalesced

And you weren't there at all

And a chord struck me

You were never there

Your body was an empty shell your smile

Went on for miles but you were 

Stone cold dead in the head

And now I guess I shouldn't wonder why you don't care

You weren't there

I had a dream last night that a package came

This time I sent it back return to sender

Last night I dreamt I buried you six feet under

Underneath a load of styrofoam popcorn

Condom Ad (1990)

Allow me to bring to your attention
The matter of your shocking lack of prevention
Of mishap in your sexual tactics.
I speak, of course, of prophylactics.
I'm sorry to have to burst your bubble;
But you could wind up in serious trouble
If you don't take advantage of this simple device.
Economical, too, at any price;
For who wants to pay for unwanted offspring?
You see the value of what we're offering.
But wait, there's more: we offer five
Distinctive styles, designed to enliven
Your sensual pleasure, each 9.95.
So the next time you take your lover to bed,
Don't tempt divine fate! Use a condom instead!
(And suffer no fate for misconduct, he said.)

Libido (1990)

Ah! if my lust were a bottle of wine,
What bouquet it would have! what a kick!
Ah, would that God would find the time
To cork me double-quick.

Thesis 96 (1989)

Herr Luther, if you were alive today,
Would you embrace today's collegiate way?
Would you approve, without conscience or cause,
A system of schooling whose orthoprax flaws
Refuse to admit an original thought?
Well, it's just a thought, but gives pause:
This shiny school aura, this learned effulgence
Is really a secular form of indulgence.
I protest! God's wisdom is given, not bought!

On the need for rat poison

I read it in the news today

That Ollie North will get away

Without a catch - indeed, with pay -

For all the crimes he swore he'd done.

How can it be his case is won?

"Because," says Mr. Sullivan,

His lawyer extra-ordinaire,

"It's simply that we couldn't dare

Expose such secrets to the air

As might allow our nation harm;

And so, we must avoid alarm

By curtailing the law's long arm."

(And here he abandons the gentle

Smile he wears, so warm, so dental

For an aspect more parental:)

"On this point I'll brook no denial:

The case must never come to trial."

And so the government will file

One last account of this affair

In offices secluded, where

Yet one more opportunist snake

Will be seen securing his stake;

No matter ethics, what's the take?

Another man shamelessly on the make.

Envoi.

How long will stodgy bureaucrats

   (Resplendent in their ermine cloaks

    Afforded by us common folks)

Refuse to rid us of the rats?

We need a Piper, or some cats -

Pamela (1988)

When I first met you, I had no clue

What to say, what to do?

You glittered in my sight.

Now there's just a song

(And maybe a long distance phone call or two)

Remaining of that night.

Pamela, you shine, you really do.

The only one to blame

Is whoever told you to hold yourself in

Pamela... there's beauty in your name.

Days of wine and roses (1988)

The days of wine and roses
Have given way to posies
And to homemade ale;
These satisfy our noses
Just as well, at half the price
And though not as upscale
They are quite nice.